*Not a happy Day for Everyone*



Our First Baby- Ian Vernon Merritt



   All day today I have been in a terrible mood.  Starting last night I felt very sick, tired, and basically run down.  I almost fell asleep during dinner, I  cried at a drop of a hat, and all I wanted to do was climb in bed.  This morning I woke up to a bunch of the same. I had no idea why I was feeling this way when so many exciting things are happening in my life right now.  I went to Elevation tonight, ready to hear the word of God and boy did I.  Pastor Steven Started out by saying that although this is Mother's Day, it is not necessarily a happy day for all... that's all it took, the tears started falling uncontrollably.  I was thankful the music was playing because I was sobbing, and I had no idea why, that's when it hit me...

    On May 7, 2008 me and my husband, not quite one years into our marriage went to a OBGYN check up to see how our little one was doing.  This was our first child and we were about 16 weeks into the pregnancy. We already had been picking up some gender neutral clothes, but I had a feeling it was going to be a boy.  We were hoping the planned ultra sound would show a boy, since my sister in law had just found out what they were having.  We were up in the Mountains where we lived at the time, so family was on pins and needles waiting to hear how everything went.  During the ultra sound we saw our baby clearly for the first time.  You could see every finger, toe, and the ultra sound tech even said look the baby just moved.  Andrew and I were ecstatic, we could barely believe it.  The nurse broke in to our happiness with a quick, "I'll be right back".  I remember her leaving and the next instant the Dr. coming in.  She took a quick look at the monitor and said, "I'm sorry your fetus is dead, there is no heartbeat." "I'll give you a minute, come to my office when you are ready".  Then she left... just left... the ultra sound wand was still inside, the baby clearly visible on the screen.  I remember looking at Andrew's face, and seeing the tears rolling down... none of this was real, was it? When we made it to the office we were told we had options but the only reliable one was for me to go through surgery to remove the "fetus" as she put it, because apparently my body was still acting like it was supporting life. 



Memory Box my Mother in Law
gave me on Mother's Day



Filled with cards, pictures, and
 prayers from family



           The next two days were a blur, I remember laying in bed and talking to a baby I knew physically was still in my stomach, but was with the Lord.  I remember my Mom and Andrew crying with me, and my sweet brother trying to come up with the words to say. On Friday, May 9th I went to the hospital to have surgery.  I remember them putting on the armband and it saying "abortion" I could not control my sobs, this was not a choice, I had no say in this.  I remember a compassionate nurse, an Angel that day taking a marker and writing "miscarriage"  in large letters over it.  She hugged me and said "It will get better, I lost my first and have been blessed with 3 since, the Lord is with you".  The rest is just a fuzzy haze.  I remember waking up at some point in the operating room and crying for my baby.  I remember Andrew driving me home and my parents following. I remember Sunday coming and Andrew's parents coming to see me on Mother's Day..but it was not a day for celebrating for me, I was no longer a mother.  



Courage Willow Tree Angel my Mom gave me
when I came out of surgery.
For all of the Mother's who have gone
through this before.



           Things happen in strange ways.  3 months later I was pregnant with Lilly, and now almost 2 years later I am sharing my 2nd mother's day with my beautiful daughter Lilly.  But I still remember my first little one.  I remember the day after my surgery I called my Great Aunt Mary to see how she was doing.  My Uncle Vernon had been dealing with severe cancer, and hospice had been called in.  I called to let her know that we had named the little one I lost, Ian Vernon after Uncle Vernon.  I remember her crying and telling me, "Lindsay, your Uncle Vernon woke up a little earlier and looked at me and said I just saw Lindsay's baby." My Aunt Mary told me she told Uncle Vernon, remember, Lindsay's baby died and he said, "I know Ina was rocking him in her lap, I saw him".  My Aunt Ina had passed away when I was a Senior in High School, and was very special to me. My Uncle Vernon passed away shortly after that, and I believe he was seeing Heaven, and my little baby was already being taken care of until I can see him again.



         I am very blessed to spend my mother's day with Lilly, but still I think the Lord was reminding me that my other Little One is being taken care of by his Heavenly father, and that gives me peace.

 *I am sorry for the sad words, but it was such a release to type this and cry, and let out every emotion I was feeling.  Thank you for letting me share my story.