Who determines your Self-Worth

    You probably have read the title of this blog and thought to yourself.."ummm what a silly question.  The word is SELF-worth, so of course you are in control of it", but are you really?  Dictionary.com defines the word Self Worth as: The sense of one's own value or the worth of a person; self-esteem; self-respect.  I have always considered myself as a person who was confident in who they were, and had high self esteem.  This week I have been thrust into a "in your face, back alley, reality" that has literally shaken me, and everything that I once believed.  This has made me look back and really try to figure out, who I am, and what I have done wrong. 
*I am about to get REAL, and you know I hold nothing back, so be prepared*
     I have always tried to come across as a confident person.  I have always been involved in activities that have given me the opportunity to "shine" such as dance, and cheer leading, and, if I am being honest, I have enjoyed being in the "spotlight", when it came to these things.  I have never been shy, always want to be around people, and talking is a strong skill I have which serves me well as a volunteer and teacher. Hidden behind in the dark shadows of my being, there is a part of me that actually drives this "Lindsay" that most people see on the outside.  I wish I could say that this driving force is a positive part of myself, but it is not, it is the need to "please people", and hide all of those insecurities that I see in myself.
    No matter what you think about me, or see in me, the truth is my heart is in the right place.  I genuinely care about people.  This is family, friends, students, acquaintances, children I work with on a volunteer basis, even the stranger on the street. I sincerely care about people.  Sometimes this borders on obsession.  I get so worked up on how people perceive me, and what they think about me, that it drives everything I do.   I want to please everyone. I constantly sit here and re-think what I have done during the day and wonder if it "pleased" those around me.  I look for affirmation in everything I do.  I look for the approval of others, whether it is about what I wear, how I taught, what I cooked, how I spoke, how I look, it never is enough, I want to make everyone happy with me.
    I constantly find myself trying to 'defend' myself to others, break barriers, show who I really am.  Here is the truth, Yes-I spend an hour getting myself ready in the morning, Yes- I love to shop (on a budget) and take pride in my appearance, Yes- I enjoy teaching and want to share with others what has worked for me, Yes- I work out so I can eat a snickers and not feel guilty, Yes- I look for people to applaud me in the things I do so I feel like I have accomplished something ...does this make me a bad person, I think not, maybe a little quirky, but it all goes back to my striving to seek approval from others.
   This all came to a screeching car wreck of a conversation, when I was confronted with someones true opinion of me.  At the time, I was angry and hurt, and confused.  I tried so hard to brush it off, sure there have been people I did not get along with, or rubbed the wrong way.. I admit that, I am open about it (see blog about friendships), I am not perfect.. but to hear this perception of who "I" am, was like a knife being thrust into my stomach. "That's just who you are" over and over kept ringing in my ears.  It made me physically sick.  After the initial shock, then came the contemplation, and self-worth plummeting to the bottom floor.  "Is this who I really am"? I kept re-thinking every "wrong" thing this person thought about me, it was spinning over and over in my head.  I went to Elevation this morning, and the sermon was about the Potential in our self, and I could not see ANY potential in myself. I cried during the service because I felt like all of the "good" I saw in myself, all of the things I considered strengths in myself, were now my weaknesses, what made people think so ill of me.  I felt like I needed to blog to get it off my chest, to help, somehow make me feel better to get these feelings out.  I looked up self-worth and an article came up with the topic. I have no clue who this is from, or what affiliation they are with, but the truth of it really gave me some peace. 

"Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe God (I added this in) you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value."

    This is what I have done, I'd lost sight. I was distracted, blinded, taken on the wrong course by another person.  GOD made me, HE created me in his image.  Does he have no worth? Although I have flaws, I am his child, the one he laid down his life for.  I can say it until I am blue in the face, "t doesn't matter what you think about me", but I would be lying to myself.  It does matter to me. I know that I am worth something, but that does not take away the sting of knowing someone can't stand who I am.  I am flawed, I am open and will admit that, I am not perfect, and no matter how hard I try to please others, I will fall flat on my face.  That "need" to have people tell me I am great needs to stop, I know this, but I do not need others determining for me Who I am, or what I am worth.  GOD already determined my worth when he died on the cross. This is a work in progress, forgiveness has already been given, but the words will still remain. I will still struggle with what others think about me on the outside, and on the in.  All I can say is I am a "work in progress" God knows my potential, he knows my worth, he knows my heart.  No one can take away my self worth, because God has given it to me.

Pulling out your Potential

    Over the past several weeks at Elevation we have been in the sermon series The Prodigy in Me.  This week Pastor Furtick was in NYC preaching so he asked his wife to speak, Holly Furtick.  What an amazing message that was given, so I would like to take this opportunity to tell you (my loyal readers ha ha) what I plan on doing with this message.
  So many times we hear something at church, or even during a workshop, or at school, and we are so pumped up and on fire...for the next hour...then we fizzle out. I am guilty of this! I can honestly say that I always have good intentions to follow through or implement changes into my life, but things happen and it falls through... *EXAMPLE* This past week I have been listening to the series F Bomb from Elevation every morning as I get ready for work.  It is all about forgiveness. I was praying, and seeking God, forgiving others for past things, praying for forgiveness on my account..I was ON FIRE...then I was put into a situation where forgiveness was needed and "all up in my face".   What was my first reaction? I started thinking negative thoughts, thinking the worst, and basically not giving the forgiveness I had been trying to implement all week.  Sometimes it just happens.
   This week Holly told us about Peter, a hot head disciple, who spoke before thinking about the words he was going to say. I mean then guy chopped off someones ear (John 18:10), was called Satan by Jesus (Mark 8:33), and denied Jesus 3 times (Mark 14:66-76).  But he was also the one who walked on water with Jesus because of his boldness (Matthew 14:28-33), preached at Pentecost because of this confidence (Acts 2:14-28), and had the opportunity to sit with Jesus, look him in the eye, and tell him 3 times he loved him and on that 3rd time he was forgiven for his past.  Where am I going with this? Jesus can use us no matter how many times we mess up.  He uses our strengths to bring out some amazing things, he gives us the strength to overcome our weaknesses, and he can turn our potential into something amazing!
   *Real life Application*
What am I going to do with this now?  Here's where we get into my thoughts on the issue.  Jesus was able to use Peter's confidence and outspokenness for some great things.  He didn't squelch the gifts when Peter blurted out, or said rash things.  Instead he encouraged him to use it, in a positive way.  Holly gave several examples about her sons and their behaviors, and how it could be used later on in life.  That got me thinking about some people in my own life:

     * Lilly- Lilly is very confident.  When she gets ready in the morning first thing she does is look at me with hands on hips, head tilted, and says, "Look Mommy, I'm cute".  Now some people would say I am letting her be cocky, or conceited. I look at it as confidence.  I know from my own personal experience in school, and what I see every day as a teacher, that in a few short years Lilly will be confronted with people trying to break that self confidence at every turn. I know what lays ahead, I know the hurt and pain when other children tell you, you are fat, or ugly.  I wish I could put her away in a box and shield her from this, but I can't.  What I can do is encourage her and let her know how beautiful she is not only to myself and Andrew but to God. 

     * My Students- This year my class is very VERY diverse.  I have a group of 20 amazing kids, with 20 different backgrounds, family issues, health issues, social issues, emotional issues...well you get my point.  Some of my students have no, to little family support.  I have been told I work "well" with these types of students, and I have always taken that as, "Oh great, I get all of the tough kids again".  This year I am taking a different approach.  After hearing Holly preach, I am going to take a close hard look at each of my students and see their potential.  For instance, Student N often lashes out at others, he does not want to do his work, but wants attention which a lot of the time is the reason he does lash out.  You are probably thinking (just as I did) what do you do with that?  Well why not use this "neediness" as a good thing? Student N wants attention, so why not make him a "helper" in the classroom.  His neediness, and attention seeking attitude make him a great helper.  When I praise him for the good things he does do, he is the center of attention and he lights up.  I am using this weakness, and turning it into a strength for him.  Or student NA who can not stay in their seat throughout the day, and often talks to other students.  I will use his communication to help others in the class.  He will be able to walk around and make sure everyone is on task, and see who needs help and report back to me.  He also is the student who communicates to other teachers when I can not.  I am using his weakness to build it into a strength. 

  What issues do you struggle with? God can still use you.  Focus on the positive and turn your weaknesses into strengths. Look at those around you, look at those "flaws" in that person and see where they can be used into strengths.  God can use anyone no matter their past, he wants to use you too!