Merritt Family of 4?

As I last left you we were determining the cleanliness of the cup... I was still in doubt so on Easter Sunday I made Andrew stop at the local Dollar General to pick up diapers for Lilly {Ironic huh?} and of course the "Expensive" test (see previous post if you are lost).  Fortunately the lady at the counter was very discrete as she looked through a pile of test to get me the "expensive one" {only 5.19 for those wondering} and let me quietly leave, no one the wiser.  After being in the hot Charleston sun, looking for Easter Eggs, eating until I could not move, and seeing those relatives we only see once a year..I was extremely tired, and honestly had planned to wait until the morning to test...but knowing Andrew was leaving in the next 30 minutes to head back to Charlotte, I wanted to test before he left.  So I did the "Oh So Modern" pee on the stick and magical results in a minute {no clean cup, dropper, or time watch}.... the verdict was

 

Same as the first.. Positive...lessons learned: 1. The cup was clean   2. I could have saved 4.00   3. We are pregnant again.

Of course I could not keep a secret {Except from you guys since I will not be posting this until after Dr. appointment} So I immediately told Andrew, My parents, and Grandparents, and sent a text message to the in laws! So now begins the planning, nervousness, and all of those other things that come along with a new addition.

...and 3 become 4?

Well here we are again... another month hoping for a missing visitor.. Let me set the stage... Santee S.C little town of about no one, 2 grocery stores, one dollar general, a lake community, and a completely vacant outlet (to my complete devastation).  Home of my amazing Grandparents who we were staying with for the Easter vacation.  I take a quick run with G-maw to the local Dollar General to pick up some Easter goodies, and of course a little secret test I planned to tell no one about.  As I am at the register asking (oh so quietly) for the test, the woman (think big, annoyed, hated her job), ask me (not so quietly).."You want the expensive one or the cheap one?!" Well I was not ready for this.. how expensive is expensive in Santee?! So I say the cheap one, pay for it and head   run out the door.  Once back at the house I open the box to see that my "test" only cost me a dollar, and I had to {To Much Info about happen}.. pee in a clean cup, suction out 4 drops with a dropper, drop those pee dots into a tiny circle, and wait approximately 5-10 minutes for results... WHAT?! Flash back to who knows when... Anyway, after the careful brain surgery test was completed I waited...and waited.. and waited... and then PINK Double Line..or was it? it was faint... it was only a dollar..was the cup actually clean?

Who determines your Self-Worth

    You probably have read the title of this blog and thought to yourself.."ummm what a silly question.  The word is SELF-worth, so of course you are in control of it", but are you really?  Dictionary.com defines the word Self Worth as: The sense of one's own value or the worth of a person; self-esteem; self-respect.  I have always considered myself as a person who was confident in who they were, and had high self esteem.  This week I have been thrust into a "in your face, back alley, reality" that has literally shaken me, and everything that I once believed.  This has made me look back and really try to figure out, who I am, and what I have done wrong. 
*I am about to get REAL, and you know I hold nothing back, so be prepared*
     I have always tried to come across as a confident person.  I have always been involved in activities that have given me the opportunity to "shine" such as dance, and cheer leading, and, if I am being honest, I have enjoyed being in the "spotlight", when it came to these things.  I have never been shy, always want to be around people, and talking is a strong skill I have which serves me well as a volunteer and teacher. Hidden behind in the dark shadows of my being, there is a part of me that actually drives this "Lindsay" that most people see on the outside.  I wish I could say that this driving force is a positive part of myself, but it is not, it is the need to "please people", and hide all of those insecurities that I see in myself.
    No matter what you think about me, or see in me, the truth is my heart is in the right place.  I genuinely care about people.  This is family, friends, students, acquaintances, children I work with on a volunteer basis, even the stranger on the street. I sincerely care about people.  Sometimes this borders on obsession.  I get so worked up on how people perceive me, and what they think about me, that it drives everything I do.   I want to please everyone. I constantly sit here and re-think what I have done during the day and wonder if it "pleased" those around me.  I look for affirmation in everything I do.  I look for the approval of others, whether it is about what I wear, how I taught, what I cooked, how I spoke, how I look, it never is enough, I want to make everyone happy with me.
    I constantly find myself trying to 'defend' myself to others, break barriers, show who I really am.  Here is the truth, Yes-I spend an hour getting myself ready in the morning, Yes- I love to shop (on a budget) and take pride in my appearance, Yes- I enjoy teaching and want to share with others what has worked for me, Yes- I work out so I can eat a snickers and not feel guilty, Yes- I look for people to applaud me in the things I do so I feel like I have accomplished something ...does this make me a bad person, I think not, maybe a little quirky, but it all goes back to my striving to seek approval from others.
   This all came to a screeching car wreck of a conversation, when I was confronted with someones true opinion of me.  At the time, I was angry and hurt, and confused.  I tried so hard to brush it off, sure there have been people I did not get along with, or rubbed the wrong way.. I admit that, I am open about it (see blog about friendships), I am not perfect.. but to hear this perception of who "I" am, was like a knife being thrust into my stomach. "That's just who you are" over and over kept ringing in my ears.  It made me physically sick.  After the initial shock, then came the contemplation, and self-worth plummeting to the bottom floor.  "Is this who I really am"? I kept re-thinking every "wrong" thing this person thought about me, it was spinning over and over in my head.  I went to Elevation this morning, and the sermon was about the Potential in our self, and I could not see ANY potential in myself. I cried during the service because I felt like all of the "good" I saw in myself, all of the things I considered strengths in myself, were now my weaknesses, what made people think so ill of me.  I felt like I needed to blog to get it off my chest, to help, somehow make me feel better to get these feelings out.  I looked up self-worth and an article came up with the topic. I have no clue who this is from, or what affiliation they are with, but the truth of it really gave me some peace. 

"Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe God (I added this in) you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value."

    This is what I have done, I'd lost sight. I was distracted, blinded, taken on the wrong course by another person.  GOD made me, HE created me in his image.  Does he have no worth? Although I have flaws, I am his child, the one he laid down his life for.  I can say it until I am blue in the face, "t doesn't matter what you think about me", but I would be lying to myself.  It does matter to me. I know that I am worth something, but that does not take away the sting of knowing someone can't stand who I am.  I am flawed, I am open and will admit that, I am not perfect, and no matter how hard I try to please others, I will fall flat on my face.  That "need" to have people tell me I am great needs to stop, I know this, but I do not need others determining for me Who I am, or what I am worth.  GOD already determined my worth when he died on the cross. This is a work in progress, forgiveness has already been given, but the words will still remain. I will still struggle with what others think about me on the outside, and on the in.  All I can say is I am a "work in progress" God knows my potential, he knows my worth, he knows my heart.  No one can take away my self worth, because God has given it to me.

Pulling out your Potential

    Over the past several weeks at Elevation we have been in the sermon series The Prodigy in Me.  This week Pastor Furtick was in NYC preaching so he asked his wife to speak, Holly Furtick.  What an amazing message that was given, so I would like to take this opportunity to tell you (my loyal readers ha ha) what I plan on doing with this message.
  So many times we hear something at church, or even during a workshop, or at school, and we are so pumped up and on fire...for the next hour...then we fizzle out. I am guilty of this! I can honestly say that I always have good intentions to follow through or implement changes into my life, but things happen and it falls through... *EXAMPLE* This past week I have been listening to the series F Bomb from Elevation every morning as I get ready for work.  It is all about forgiveness. I was praying, and seeking God, forgiving others for past things, praying for forgiveness on my account..I was ON FIRE...then I was put into a situation where forgiveness was needed and "all up in my face".   What was my first reaction? I started thinking negative thoughts, thinking the worst, and basically not giving the forgiveness I had been trying to implement all week.  Sometimes it just happens.
   This week Holly told us about Peter, a hot head disciple, who spoke before thinking about the words he was going to say. I mean then guy chopped off someones ear (John 18:10), was called Satan by Jesus (Mark 8:33), and denied Jesus 3 times (Mark 14:66-76).  But he was also the one who walked on water with Jesus because of his boldness (Matthew 14:28-33), preached at Pentecost because of this confidence (Acts 2:14-28), and had the opportunity to sit with Jesus, look him in the eye, and tell him 3 times he loved him and on that 3rd time he was forgiven for his past.  Where am I going with this? Jesus can use us no matter how many times we mess up.  He uses our strengths to bring out some amazing things, he gives us the strength to overcome our weaknesses, and he can turn our potential into something amazing!
   *Real life Application*
What am I going to do with this now?  Here's where we get into my thoughts on the issue.  Jesus was able to use Peter's confidence and outspokenness for some great things.  He didn't squelch the gifts when Peter blurted out, or said rash things.  Instead he encouraged him to use it, in a positive way.  Holly gave several examples about her sons and their behaviors, and how it could be used later on in life.  That got me thinking about some people in my own life:

     * Lilly- Lilly is very confident.  When she gets ready in the morning first thing she does is look at me with hands on hips, head tilted, and says, "Look Mommy, I'm cute".  Now some people would say I am letting her be cocky, or conceited. I look at it as confidence.  I know from my own personal experience in school, and what I see every day as a teacher, that in a few short years Lilly will be confronted with people trying to break that self confidence at every turn. I know what lays ahead, I know the hurt and pain when other children tell you, you are fat, or ugly.  I wish I could put her away in a box and shield her from this, but I can't.  What I can do is encourage her and let her know how beautiful she is not only to myself and Andrew but to God. 

     * My Students- This year my class is very VERY diverse.  I have a group of 20 amazing kids, with 20 different backgrounds, family issues, health issues, social issues, emotional issues...well you get my point.  Some of my students have no, to little family support.  I have been told I work "well" with these types of students, and I have always taken that as, "Oh great, I get all of the tough kids again".  This year I am taking a different approach.  After hearing Holly preach, I am going to take a close hard look at each of my students and see their potential.  For instance, Student N often lashes out at others, he does not want to do his work, but wants attention which a lot of the time is the reason he does lash out.  You are probably thinking (just as I did) what do you do with that?  Well why not use this "neediness" as a good thing? Student N wants attention, so why not make him a "helper" in the classroom.  His neediness, and attention seeking attitude make him a great helper.  When I praise him for the good things he does do, he is the center of attention and he lights up.  I am using this weakness, and turning it into a strength for him.  Or student NA who can not stay in their seat throughout the day, and often talks to other students.  I will use his communication to help others in the class.  He will be able to walk around and make sure everyone is on task, and see who needs help and report back to me.  He also is the student who communicates to other teachers when I can not.  I am using his weakness to build it into a strength. 

  What issues do you struggle with? God can still use you.  Focus on the positive and turn your weaknesses into strengths. Look at those around you, look at those "flaws" in that person and see where they can be used into strengths.  God can use anyone no matter their past, he wants to use you too!

Gone to Macon County in my mind..{NC of Course}

 Have you ever lived or visited a place that you can't get out of your mind, everyday you want to wake up and be there? Now most people would probably say, "Oh yeah I loved Cancun, or the Virgin Islands were gorgeous!" but my place has a little more simplicity, and more than likely a place many have not even visited... let me start at the beginning...

   * October 22, 2006- Andrew proposed to me in front of the Biltmore House and of course I said yes, then he informed me he wanted to transfer to Western Carolina University... Western who?!  Where is this located, and when do you leave?

  *  December 2006- Andrew moves to Silva, NC, I visit often, and generally find it a long drive to see my fiance.

  * July 7, 2007- Andrew and I are married, then reality sets in that I will be moving to Waynesville, NC.. * I have only visited the mountains a handful of times (my family is from the Charleston area or SC so vacations were always there, or the beach) *I will be 3 hours from family...*I have no job/contacts in the mountains...*Andrew will be in school...

  *September 2007- After getting a teaching position in Franklin, NC we decide to move the 30 minutes closer to work, and live in Franklin, NC. 

  Ok now that you are caught up on how the process took place, let me tell you I was scared.. First teaching position in an EOG grade, 3 hours from family, living on a mountain, Andrew in school and working.. I was officially freaking out.  The closet mall was an hour away in Asheville (if you know me this was a HUGE problem), the only chain restaurants were Fatz (built after the 1st year there), Cody's, Shoney's, and of course McDonalds, and Pizza Hut.  I went from the big city, to "no mans land".... and I LOVED IT!!


I lived approximately 50 yards from the school I taught at so in Fall, and Spring walking to school was my daily activity. I had the BEST mentor teacher in the world, who was not only a friend but a second mom, the best principal, and fellow teachers.  The students were amazing, the simplicity of the Mountains drew me in, and I loved every minute of it.  Being away from family helped me appreciate every weekend they came to visit, being away from shopping helped me appreciate what I had {and saved us a lot of money}. Walking to school, hiking in the mountains, and the amazing views all around, made me look at God's creation in a new light, and truly marvel in how great and powerful he is.  Our apartment {if  you could call it that} was actually only one building with 2 apartments upstairs and 2 down.  We were the youngest, and the only North Carolinians.  All 3 of our neighbors were from Florida, with one originally from NY then moved to Florida.  They were all older than us, but they became family.  I remember sitting out on our decks and all talking, or cooking out for Holidays.

    

East Franklin Elementary

    Now after all of this talking, you are probably thinking.. "if you loved it so much, why in the world did you leave?" Good question, and I ask myself that all the time.. truth is, I was very pregnant, and wanted to have Lilly with family there, and in Charlotte.  The fact that the closest large hospital, and where my OBGYN in the mountains delivered was Asheville {again an hour away on winding Mountain roads}, made me more than a little nervous, and there was no way I was not getting my pain meds and having Lilly on some dark Mountain road! I am glad that we moved, and had the help of my parents and Andrews while Lilly was little. I love the fact that my mom watches Lilly every afternoon, something we would not have in the Mountains....but... something about the Mountains keep drawing me back.  It might be that schools starting back, and I miss East Franklin {and you too Lindy.. the Chief, workdays talking more than working, and being right next door}, fall in the Mountains is breathtaking and I always had a front row view.  Driving up a Mountain and cutting down our own Christmas Tree, or maybe just the quiet simplicity of knowing your neighbors, walking to work, having your table at the local restaurants, no traffic, and nothing being open on a Sunday. 





View from my classroom!



   No matter what it is Franklin, NC will always hold a special place in my heart. Yes confession time, I look for houses in Franklin at least once a month.. and if Andrew could find a job we would move back in a second...but until then.. I'm of to Macon County in my mind...







Friends Forever?

     How many of you as a child {let's hope you have not done it recently} got those awesome "real" gold necklaces with the broken heart that said friend on one side and best/forever on the other, and passed along the friend side to your BFF? I must admit I was one of those people, but was there any truth to the necklace?

       I have always had friends, and consider myself blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, but I have always had the "come and go" friendships.  You are "best friends" for several months, then it seems to "fade" as each of you go on with different phases of your life.  Now I am not hear to say that those people I call friends were not truly friends, they were, but I often wonder what happened to these friendships?  I myself will take some most of the blame.  I am NOT a phone person, I hate talking on the phone...chalk it up to being in high school and sitting in silence for hours with my boyfriend {no fault of his, we were just immature}, or having someone call every 15 minutes in college...I have just gone beyond the whole phone thing.  I fit perfectly into this era of texting, blogging, facebooking, etc.  I can handle these so much better.  Or I am all about "lets go chat and have some coffee".  I guess I am not the typical women in this aspect.  Here are a few "deal breakers" that usually end my friendships:

#1- Time! With a 2 year old, husband, teaching position, after school commitments, volunteering, and family, I do not have a lot of time for going out to dinner, or out to clubs/bars {see next point} at night.  When I do have free time, I will go out, but usually when I am free, friends are not.

#2- I am so out of touch with the "trendy" scene.  I am basically a homebody.  Now don't get me wrong, I love to shop, dress up, get my hair done, and look "pretty" any chance I get and Sushi dinners are a must. But I don't go to clubs, bars, or those other "trendy" spots .  I guess with married life for 4 years, a daughter for 2, and living in seclusion for 2 years in the Mountains really put a damper on those things, but honestly I have no desire.  Now don't get me wrong, if I go out to dinner I will have a fun fruity drink, or glass of wine, but there is no desire to go out drinking.  I have NO PROBLEM with those who do go out for the purpose of drinking, it is just not me anymore {again probably due to my college days and being around it 24/7}.

#3- Guilty Conscious.  Ok I am guilty as any other woman about gossiping about others, or making conversations strictly with the purpose of talking about someone else or bringing someone else down.  I will say that this happens VERY rarely, and most of the time, it is me listening while someone else does the talking {which is completely wrong as well}, but still non the less I feel terrible.  I think this is why I keep many "friendships" at a distance, because I know where it can lead.  As a Christian I am called to lift up others, and show respect to others even when they do not deserve it, when I am caught in the gossiping, I am disobeying God, and bringing down myself.

*Getting on my pulpit now*

Psalm 34:13
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.

Proverbs 12:6
The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues themThese verses straight from the Bible, prove what I should be doing, and sometimes I feel that I get caught up in "friendships" that are based on talking about others, not ourselves.

#4- I have "trust issues".  I have {since before kindergarten} always been on a "team" with other girls.  Whether it was dance, cheerleading pageants, soccer in elementary, middle, and high school, or cheerleading and sorority in college, I have always been involved in "girl" groups.  Now although these things can bring out great friendships, for me it made for a lot of drama, jealousy {on all accounts}, deceit, pain, and at times serious emotional issues.  Sadly the competitive edge on most of these things have caused broken friendships.  So many times I have put my sole trust in "people" and have been let down.  All of us fall short, but sometimes that is the most painful thing.  I tend to be naive and try to help everyone, and often give a lot of myself in friendships.  I want to see the best in everyone, even when I am being taken advantage of.  Recently I have had a reoccurring of situations, groups, and people that I had left behind/forgiven/ moved on from, and I do not like the person it is making me into. I am taking a step back seeing if getting back into this is what God really wants me to do. I will say that no matter what, I will continue to pray and follow his way in all friendships, and avenues that I go with.  {Even now I sit here and wonder what "friends" will think about this blog}
  I want to build new, true friendships.  I hope that the Lord continues to bless me with some of the wonderful people who have recently entered my life.  I hope that we can have "true" real friendships, and yes I might bring back out those SWEET "BFF" necklaces...so retro I know ... Check out some verses that really should direct how your friendship should go...

 **I know that I am taking FULL inventory here, and will be putting them into effect in my own life.. I am in no way "preaching" or criticizing anyway.  I blog to reflect on my own life. Please feel free to message me or write if you want to talk, I am open to helping improve any wrong that I have also done.. this blog is really helping me see who I can be as a friend, and the potential all friendships can have!**Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Proverbs 22:11He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.

Proverbs 23:15-16My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad; my inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is rightProverbs 27:9
The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.Galatians 6:7-10
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Baby Fever, and I am feeling Guilty...

Hello again, I have not seen you (well technically wrote to you) in a while. Well I have been feeling just a bit guilty lately and here's why.. Every time I look at facebook *addiction #1 but we will save that for later* Someone I know is either pregnant, or has just had a baby! I love babies, and I am so happy for each and every one of the families blessed with a new addition.  And yes when I stalk look at all of their gorgeous pictures I get a flip in my stomach, and a burning desire to have a baby myself as soon as possible.  Then reality sets in.. and I go through my 1-2-3..4-5.. what ifs. { Fair warning this is me speaking.  Are the following rationale thoughts, probably not.. do you think this way, probably but you wont admit it..just keeping it real}
#1- Could I love another baby as much as I love Lilly?
Ok unless you have been on the moon { which your facebook might have reached you there} you might have noticed Andrew and I are OVER the MOON {hehe} in love with Lilly.  We are constantly playing, kissing, and squeezing (rather tightly *another thing I am working on*) her all the time.  I sit in bed at night and fight the desire to bring her in the bed with us and snuggle all night. My mother has always reassured me that she loved me and my brother the same {yeah yeah} but I just don't know how I could love another as much as I love Lilly.
#2- Lilly is so good, what if they next one is a terror?!
{If you are a 2nd child this no ways reflects on you unless you really were a terror or difficult} No Mom will openly call their child a "terror" but I am sure I am not the only one who has heard, "Well my first one was a PERFECT baby, but the 2nd was a handful" if you haven't heard that you have heard something like it. Or maybe the 2nd child has health issues, or allergies, or fusses more.  Let me recap Lilly's life for you. * Perfect sleeper- First day home from the hospital up through now, has slept *at least* 10 hours a night... *Perfect Eater-Eats everything, veggies, meats, milk, cereal. Transitioned perfectly from bottle to "real food" at 9 months! *Teething- what teething?! Never ran a fever, got sick, or fussed (more than usual) got rid of passy at 10 months *Lilly gets along with other children, cleans up her messes, says "Please, thank you, sorry, your welcome" all at the appropriate times, and is so smart! With such a perfect baby will my next one be more than we can handle?!
#3- Will I go through another miscarriage? This is pretty self explanatory, but it is a huge fear of mine.  I still have nightmares about my first loss, and can not shake that feeling that maybe Lilly was a blessing from God, and I should be content with that.
Ok here comes the irrational ones... #4- Will I gain a lot of weight and not be able to lose it back, #5- Will I be exhausted running after 2 kids? #6- What if it is a boy, I know nothing about boys?!
Although those last ones probably seem really weird/funny... they are seriously things I think about.. I have lost over 80 pounds since having Lilly, and I am not ready to gain weight back.. After watching Lilly's 2 cousins Lucy and Kate-Linn for a week {PS they are really amazing girls} I was exhausted, and felt in a daze for a week after... and of course the Merritt's all want a little guy running around after all the girls, but "I don't know nothing about birthing no boys" {in my best Prissy voice} I know that God has a plan, and he will decide what my future holds, and until I get over all most of my fears, we will not consider children yet.  For now we are going to enjoy every minute with Lilly, and enjoy our family of 6 {dogs included} and see what God has planned for us in the future.