Body Image Game

    Lately some old "demons" have popped back into my head.  Let me start off by telling you MY story. Since I was little I have always had the love and support of my family.  I was a happy go lucky kid who danced most of my life then moved into cheer leading.  Around the 5th grade (about the same time I had to get braces) I started getting that "chubby" kid look to me.  Now, looking back most people look and say, awww you were adorable, in my head it was hideous.  I tried out for Middle School cheer leading and made the squad, and was made co-captain, which was very exciting for me.  Once I got to middle school though things were not the same, I was called "rolls", and fat from 6th to 7th grades.  Now don't get me wrong, I worked out 3 times a week with cheer leading practice, I ate tons of veggies (my Dad was a Vegetarian at the time), it was just "baby" fat.  Well by 8th grade I started getting my "shape" with this I decided that I would die my hair blond (at home by the way, which gave me the strawberry blond/Orange look).  I wanted to be a NEW Lindsay.  I was no longer "rolls" and I wanted to show it.     
    It didn't stop there, once high school came around I made the JV squad, started dating an older football player, and that is when the real pressure began, by 10th grade they had put weight on the tryout form for Varsity Cheer leading.  In my mind, I could not make the squad unless I weighed a certain amount.  I remember getting my physical and when they told me I weighed 118 I cried hysterically, I remember my mom changing the physical form to say 110 because I was inconsolable (sorry Piedmont Cheer leading for the lie). I made the varsity squad and  thats when it happened, I stopped eating.  Throughout my 10th grade year I would not eat breakfast, I would just drink a soda to give me energy.  At lunch I would eat a cookie, or maybe a couple of fries off my boyfriends plate.  When spring came around I decided to play soccer since they ran alot.  With the increase in physical activity, and then not eating I dropped down to around 98 pounds.  I remember getting my prom dress 10th grade year, and having it altered down from an xsmall. Even saying this now gives me a sense of pride, whats wrong with me?
     I continued this habit, I would only eat dinner every night, this being maybe some corn, or green beans, I would take green tea pills I would buy from the grocery store, and would go to sleep early because of all of the headaches.  I remember my friend Holly saying one day at lunch, "Why don't you eat? What's wrong with you? I remember lying and telling her my family generally ate dinner early around 4:00, so I just wanted to wait until then.. it sounds so stupid to me now, but then it was rational.  After the breakup of my and my "older football player boyfriend", I started eating again, I no longer felt I needed to be "perfect". I was already captain of the Varsity squad, homecoming runner up, what more did I need.  My eating problems never really came back, they kind of fazed themselves out.  i didn't see a councilor, I talked to my mom about it, but I felt like I did this on my own.  I even survived the pressure of college cheer leading.


Pregnant with Lilly



      I thought the problem was gone until recently.  After having a baby of course I put on weight and never was really worried about it until last summer.  I started exercising, eating right, and lost a ton of weight.  When I came back to school this year and started getting compliments from co-workers, that little voice in my head started up again... "what if you were smaller" "just think what they would say if you lost another 10 pounds".  Now I am not a silly 15 year old now, and I am thinking much more rationally but the idea of looking better, and getting more compliments did motivate me to lose more, and I did, over all since Lilly I lost over 35 pounds... (now I gained 23 with her so some of that was just getting back to size). Then I started getting pains in my stomach, so much that i could not eat, sleep, walk.  Turns out my gallbladder was not keeping up with my "rapid weight loss" according to the Dr. and it needed to be removed.  Now here I am being brutally honest with my imperfections, but I was glad! I knew that with it removed and the recovery time, I could lose more weight.  Now some of you are reading this thinking, she is a sick person, and maybe I am, but this also have me a reality check.  I was not just "getting smaller" I was hurting my body.  Gallbladder surgery is a painful experience, nothing like a spa vacation where you will lose weight.  I have had to adjust my whole calorie intake so not to overload my stomach, since it no longer has the help of my gallbladder.  Now I am getting things like "Why aren't you eating?" "You better not lose anymore weight you look sickly".  No I am not anorexic, do I know what anorexia is, yes, i dealt with it most of high school.  Do those voices still come back in my head when I eat some fries "you better go run that off quick" yes of course they do, but do they control my life like they used to? NO!



I'm at "Peace" with my weight.. haha...



   I am preparing for one of the biggest goals of my life.. I am competing in the Mrs. North Carolina United States Pageant.  This in itself is a great thing, but it is constantly causing me to keep my "demons in check".  When you are trying on dresses and in your mind think "I know I can fit in this 2", or "why does my back hang over the strap like that".. it's natural, every woman does this.. It's when you say, "well I wont eat dinner tonight and that will help", or "great I guess I can only eat cucumbers for the next 2 days" that you are giving into the problem.  I am writing this for several reasons, one just to get it off my chest.  I have been dealing with this for a while, but now that I am over it I want to share my story.  2- because I see girls struggling with this everyday at my school, even in kindergarten.  Body issues are going on with our 4 and 5 year olds and 3- To let myself know it is ok to be comfortable in YOUR body. I am the healthiest I have ever been, I feel good about myself, and I am setting a great example for my daughter! I should be proud of these things and not look at what some would call imperfections.  This journey to Mrs. North Carolina has inspired me to be the best Lindsay I can be, and leave all of my "demons" where they belong, in the past.

*If you are reading this and need help please check out The National Association of Anorexia and you can get help, or plesae email me and I will help you however I can.