Well it is the evening and the verdict is in...


Introducing {orange seed} baby Merritt (look for white triangle and the thing that looks like a bean).  When I got back to the office Dr. Harston was there and did an exam and talked with me about my symptoms. He also agreed that "Bladder Infection" seemed like the culprit.  He then wanted to get an ultra sound to check things out and make sure nothing was on my bladder.... As you probably can guess ultra sounds make me more nervous than anything else..and to my {shock} there was a large flat screen right in front of where I was laying so that I could see the ultra sound taking place...tears shot to my eyes within seconds...Was I ready? with prayers being lifted by the second I could tell the technician knew I was nervous and went right to showing me the baby... flickering heartbeat and everything :) It was amazing and I even got to see the exact spot where my ovary ovulated {TMI I know} So anyway things seemed ok, and that all of this constant peeing, and 2 pink spots are from a bladder infection.  We go back on May 7th for our next ultra sound...So excited and relieved and blessed beyond measure.  Hopefully me and hubby will be able to take a mini vaca this weekend.. {all I wanna do is swim in an indoor pool} and celebrate the other accomplishment.... 

Lilly is wearing BIG GIRL PANTIES!!! Praise Jesus!

{Will update with pictures soon}

Weekend troubles lead to Monday Blues...

 As I am sitting in the parking lot of Panera Bread stealing using their internet..I am starting to freak out.. As I told you in the beginning I am sharing my journey with you, no matter what happens so let me start with last Thursday...
   I woke up as usual with a terrible headache, and cramps in my stomach.  These were terrible spasms that made me want to throw up with each one.  I decided to stay home and rest and see if they would pass.  Friday morning I woke up still feeling like I was going to throw up at any moment.  I went to school anyway (I'm a 2nd grade teacher) thinking it would pass by lunch time...but it didn't.  I started getting worse, dizzy, headache, and the worst an uncontrollable urge to use the restroom.. and not #1. 

{I had my gallbladder removed in February 2011, and since then I can not seem to shake stomach issues}

Saturday was more of the same, and by Sunday I could not get out of the bed (except to run to the bathroom)  Let's just say the emotions where on overdrive and I was crying in my bed all say long.

   Here we are at today..Monday... I woke up and was able to move around without feeling the need to get  run  SPRINT to the bathroom. I ate a couple of crackers and got myself ready to face the day.  My stomach was shaky the whole way to school, and while there I kept feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom (# 1 thank goodness)...On my 2nd trip to the loo, I happened to look down and there it was...a tiny drop of pink.. PANIC SET IT... I couldn't help it, I started bawling hysterically.. I wiped and wiped but there was no more... but one was enough... I got myself together and went and got my kids from art.  On the way back I stopped again and there was another spot.. I called the office immediately and let them know I would need to take a 1/2 day... eyes red and swollen, and my brave face on, I made it that extra hour before the sub could get there.

   On my way home I called the Dr and they decided they wanted me to come in and take a urine sample to see if I was having a bladder infection (since I have to go about ever 15 minutes).. My ride there included praying, calling Andrew, praying, calling mom, praying...when I finally got there and my pee was securely in a {clean} cup..I waited..and waited.

   The nurse came back and informed me my urine was clear.. no infections...but she wanted me to come back in 2 hours to meet with my doctor for an exam to make sure everything was ok... 

  This brings you up to my current position..in the parking lot of Panera..freaking out.. I tried to go to Target and walk around to waste some time, and only lasted 30 minutes and NO purchases (this clearly shows how nerve racking this is).  I have promised to give it all to God, from the beginning.  I am going alone, in approximately  30 minutes back to the Dr. to get things checked out....there is nothing I can do but wait, and pray, and know God has a plan.

Is this a test?...

Well it is official... I am being tested... 

     I have committed to give this pregnancy to God, wholeheartedly, no turning back, no fear, no doubt...{you get the idea} I read an amazing devotion yesterday from Cross Walk which was about the myth, "If I am a good Christian, nothing bad will happen to me" and really took it to heart.  It has taken a lot of courage not to be afraid of what "might be" and focus on the endless possibilities God has for me.  Things happen for a reason, and if we live in fear we will never see the blessings God has for us.

    

All was right in the world 

{Of Lindsay} 

until I made the call to my OB to schedule my 1st "conformation" ultra sound...The lady on the phone was so excited and even yelled, "HELLO MOMMY!" all was peaches and sprinkles {happy things to me} until...

            

" Ok Mrs. Merritt, We have you down for May 7th at 2:30... and we can't wait to see you and that new baby" 

   

Hold on...what was that date..my heart dropped... here it was... THE TEST...  

{May 7, 2008- The day I went to the Doctor only to learn there was no heartbeat.. the most devestaing day of my life... the day I still spontaniously cry about at night... the day that sends me into cold sweats just thinking about it}

I was immediately thrown back into 3rd grade, Mrs. Cole's class.. and we had a multiplication timed quiz on 12's and I did not study... what was I going to do..throw up {actually that came later..poor Mrs. Cole}

 My gut reaction: Call back imediately and schedule for any day other than May 7th

 ... but what would that prove? That I am more concerned in the power of a date then the power of my God?  Should I cower in fear over what a date means, give it more glory or fear than my God.  Absolutely not.  God knew this even before I picked up the phone, before I got up this morning, before this baby was even conceived.  

I refuse to give into my fear. As soon as I hung up the phone the next words out of my mouth were praises to God for allowing me such a great group of Doctors, Thanking him for allowing me this experience, and praying for strength that only he can truly give.  Will those doubts arise..of course, was my last test in 3rd grade on multiplication facts..of course not.  We are tested daily, and not so that we can get a large F from God and a "try better next time", but to help us grow in him, grow stronger, and learn those lessons that we can only know through those trials and tribulations we go through daily. Through these test our God looks to us to see what we will let take power...the situation or our God.. Cling to him and know this will not be the last...but it has all been overcome {John 16:33}

So please enjoy this {FLASH BACK} 12's multiplication times tables as a memento that we can do it.. we can pass any test

Here we go again...

If you have been following my blog, or have read previous post you now know I am expecting my 2nd child and we just found out.  You might also know that I have been pregnant twice before this.   Once with my beautiful, now 2 year old daughter Lilly Drew, and once before her with my first child.  At about 15 weeks into my first pregnancy we went to the Dr. to see the heartbeat, and to learn the sex of the baby, only to find out there was no heartbeat, and I would need to be scheduled for surgery the next day to "remove" the fetus  My Baby.
So here we are again, in the early stages of pregnancy and it is time to call the Doctor.  The one thing that causes more fear and dread than anything I have ever done.  Even when  I was 8 months pregnant with a healthy baby Lilly, I would break out in sweats when I had to go to the Doctor. 

It is sad to say, but during the last week of me knowing I am pregnant I have been very "cautiously" happy.  Waiting at any moment for my "bubble to burst". Analyzing every cramp, headache, moment without nausea.

A little back story:  Andrew and I had been trying for this little one for about 4 months.  I have not been on preventatives {birth control} for over a year due to health reasons. We thought this whole conception thing should be easy breezy right? No..every month was another disappointment... then the doubt began. Was I unable to conceive?  I finally gave it all to God last month, and now look...we got the news we have been waiting on...but I am still doubting...

Why is it when I finally got the answer I want, I still find something to worry about.  I am determined to give this pregnancy TOTALLY to God.  You are with me on this journey, whatever his will may be I am here to live and learn.

Possible Week: 5
Symptoms so far:
* Bloated
* Nausea in the mornings, in between meals, and after dinner
* Constant bathroom breaks: like every 15 minutes
* Restlessness at night {see above}
* Extremely tired {which has been great while on Spring Break}

Cravings:
* Taco Bell nacho Cheese with Bojangles seasoned fries
* Celery
* Salad

Merritt Family of 4?

As I last left you we were determining the cleanliness of the cup... I was still in doubt so on Easter Sunday I made Andrew stop at the local Dollar General to pick up diapers for Lilly {Ironic huh?} and of course the "Expensive" test (see previous post if you are lost).  Fortunately the lady at the counter was very discrete as she looked through a pile of test to get me the "expensive one" {only 5.19 for those wondering} and let me quietly leave, no one the wiser.  After being in the hot Charleston sun, looking for Easter Eggs, eating until I could not move, and seeing those relatives we only see once a year..I was extremely tired, and honestly had planned to wait until the morning to test...but knowing Andrew was leaving in the next 30 minutes to head back to Charlotte, I wanted to test before he left.  So I did the "Oh So Modern" pee on the stick and magical results in a minute {no clean cup, dropper, or time watch}.... the verdict was

 

Same as the first.. Positive...lessons learned: 1. The cup was clean   2. I could have saved 4.00   3. We are pregnant again.

Of course I could not keep a secret {Except from you guys since I will not be posting this until after Dr. appointment} So I immediately told Andrew, My parents, and Grandparents, and sent a text message to the in laws! So now begins the planning, nervousness, and all of those other things that come along with a new addition.

...and 3 become 4?

Well here we are again... another month hoping for a missing visitor.. Let me set the stage... Santee S.C little town of about no one, 2 grocery stores, one dollar general, a lake community, and a completely vacant outlet (to my complete devastation).  Home of my amazing Grandparents who we were staying with for the Easter vacation.  I take a quick run with G-maw to the local Dollar General to pick up some Easter goodies, and of course a little secret test I planned to tell no one about.  As I am at the register asking (oh so quietly) for the test, the woman (think big, annoyed, hated her job), ask me (not so quietly).."You want the expensive one or the cheap one?!" Well I was not ready for this.. how expensive is expensive in Santee?! So I say the cheap one, pay for it and head   run out the door.  Once back at the house I open the box to see that my "test" only cost me a dollar, and I had to {To Much Info about happen}.. pee in a clean cup, suction out 4 drops with a dropper, drop those pee dots into a tiny circle, and wait approximately 5-10 minutes for results... WHAT?! Flash back to who knows when... Anyway, after the careful brain surgery test was completed I waited...and waited.. and waited... and then PINK Double Line..or was it? it was faint... it was only a dollar..was the cup actually clean?

Who determines your Self-Worth

    You probably have read the title of this blog and thought to yourself.."ummm what a silly question.  The word is SELF-worth, so of course you are in control of it", but are you really?  Dictionary.com defines the word Self Worth as: The sense of one's own value or the worth of a person; self-esteem; self-respect.  I have always considered myself as a person who was confident in who they were, and had high self esteem.  This week I have been thrust into a "in your face, back alley, reality" that has literally shaken me, and everything that I once believed.  This has made me look back and really try to figure out, who I am, and what I have done wrong. 
*I am about to get REAL, and you know I hold nothing back, so be prepared*
     I have always tried to come across as a confident person.  I have always been involved in activities that have given me the opportunity to "shine" such as dance, and cheer leading, and, if I am being honest, I have enjoyed being in the "spotlight", when it came to these things.  I have never been shy, always want to be around people, and talking is a strong skill I have which serves me well as a volunteer and teacher. Hidden behind in the dark shadows of my being, there is a part of me that actually drives this "Lindsay" that most people see on the outside.  I wish I could say that this driving force is a positive part of myself, but it is not, it is the need to "please people", and hide all of those insecurities that I see in myself.
    No matter what you think about me, or see in me, the truth is my heart is in the right place.  I genuinely care about people.  This is family, friends, students, acquaintances, children I work with on a volunteer basis, even the stranger on the street. I sincerely care about people.  Sometimes this borders on obsession.  I get so worked up on how people perceive me, and what they think about me, that it drives everything I do.   I want to please everyone. I constantly sit here and re-think what I have done during the day and wonder if it "pleased" those around me.  I look for affirmation in everything I do.  I look for the approval of others, whether it is about what I wear, how I taught, what I cooked, how I spoke, how I look, it never is enough, I want to make everyone happy with me.
    I constantly find myself trying to 'defend' myself to others, break barriers, show who I really am.  Here is the truth, Yes-I spend an hour getting myself ready in the morning, Yes- I love to shop (on a budget) and take pride in my appearance, Yes- I enjoy teaching and want to share with others what has worked for me, Yes- I work out so I can eat a snickers and not feel guilty, Yes- I look for people to applaud me in the things I do so I feel like I have accomplished something ...does this make me a bad person, I think not, maybe a little quirky, but it all goes back to my striving to seek approval from others.
   This all came to a screeching car wreck of a conversation, when I was confronted with someones true opinion of me.  At the time, I was angry and hurt, and confused.  I tried so hard to brush it off, sure there have been people I did not get along with, or rubbed the wrong way.. I admit that, I am open about it (see blog about friendships), I am not perfect.. but to hear this perception of who "I" am, was like a knife being thrust into my stomach. "That's just who you are" over and over kept ringing in my ears.  It made me physically sick.  After the initial shock, then came the contemplation, and self-worth plummeting to the bottom floor.  "Is this who I really am"? I kept re-thinking every "wrong" thing this person thought about me, it was spinning over and over in my head.  I went to Elevation this morning, and the sermon was about the Potential in our self, and I could not see ANY potential in myself. I cried during the service because I felt like all of the "good" I saw in myself, all of the things I considered strengths in myself, were now my weaknesses, what made people think so ill of me.  I felt like I needed to blog to get it off my chest, to help, somehow make me feel better to get these feelings out.  I looked up self-worth and an article came up with the topic. I have no clue who this is from, or what affiliation they are with, but the truth of it really gave me some peace. 

"Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe God (I added this in) you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value."

    This is what I have done, I'd lost sight. I was distracted, blinded, taken on the wrong course by another person.  GOD made me, HE created me in his image.  Does he have no worth? Although I have flaws, I am his child, the one he laid down his life for.  I can say it until I am blue in the face, "t doesn't matter what you think about me", but I would be lying to myself.  It does matter to me. I know that I am worth something, but that does not take away the sting of knowing someone can't stand who I am.  I am flawed, I am open and will admit that, I am not perfect, and no matter how hard I try to please others, I will fall flat on my face.  That "need" to have people tell me I am great needs to stop, I know this, but I do not need others determining for me Who I am, or what I am worth.  GOD already determined my worth when he died on the cross. This is a work in progress, forgiveness has already been given, but the words will still remain. I will still struggle with what others think about me on the outside, and on the in.  All I can say is I am a "work in progress" God knows my potential, he knows my worth, he knows my heart.  No one can take away my self worth, because God has given it to me.